God,
There are so many things I wish I was doing right now. I wish I was serving you better. I wish my priorities weren't so wacked out. I wish I didn't feel so lost. I wish I could stop wishing and just start doing. But somehow, I seem to have forgotten how to walk. I don't remember how to take the first step to serving you, to being with you, to accepting you. My head tells me "Just put one foot in front of the other, just like before" but the thought never transfers to motion. So I just stand around, waiting to see if maybe I can stare at my feet until I remember how to walk.
Life has just been so bland and confusing lately. Nothing makes sense anymore. Everyday when I wake up I have to ask myself whether or not I'm still dreaming. I feel like maybe everything around me is just going to fall apart and leave me drifting in darkness. How am I to know that touching the wall won't simply make it disappear? I'm less afraid of the results than I should be. Once again, nothing seems to phase me. Nothing is painful, yet everything is filled with pain. Why does everything have to be so hazy? I keep wishing for some clarity to magically and randomly find its way into my head. Unfortunately, another part of me knows that that is impossible. It doesn't happen by itself, as if some mishappen ball of clarity just bounced off the atmoshphere and decided my head would make a good place to rest.
People never cease to frustrate me. They constantly call for my patience, understanding, empathy, sympathy, support,compassion, love, honesty, and other feelings that are always so hard to manage. In many ways, I know I should willingly and ungrudgingly give them these things, but it becomes increasingly difficult. Wrong reactions mixed with guilt make me just want to remove myself from society. Constantly eating at the back of my brain is the knowledge that God wants me to love others in order to Him to them. My mouth and my body create roadblocks that prevent me from doing so and I know that every time I say the wrong thing or react in a way that doesn't display God's love, He cringes in pain and looks sadly down at me. I know he wants me to be better. I know that he has a plan for me, but I get in the way. I laid in bed last night staring up at the ceiling and thought to God about how stupid I am. This whole time I've been trying not to screw up by doing things in my own power. I came to the reluctant realization that God handles things much better than I do. Whenever I rely on Him, my life regains its purpose, its clarity, and its will to move forward.
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