The ship could float, they knew full well, in fact
They knew it could do much more than that
It was fine, sea-worthy, steady--
Yet everyone jumped ship like it was sinking
I stood and watched at they pitched themselves
One by one back out to sea
The waters rages and spit salt in their faces
But it looked as though
They didn't care.
Like anything was better than being where they were
And I'm not even sure they knew in the first place
Under what flag they sailed.
They left without reason, without knowing they had,
As if called by a siren's song out into the deep.
And it made me sad to see them go
Watching confused and frustrated, standing
I was on the same deck as they
Stood on level ground,
Yet they thought I was less and deigned not to heed my watchful eye.
What power they had, jumping off that bow, over those railings, and off that rigging
What powerful impressions they left
To watch as another one jumped and sank, all the while not knowing they were
And every minute I told myself
I would never do as they
Yet with each word, edging closer to the sea.
And every passing minute
I begin to see
A little more of what it meant
to truly be
Just like one of them
Those people who I "knew"
who suddenly believed that life existed, not on this ship
But under those crushing waves.
I want what you want!
I am tempted in the same ways!
So much more love, so much more to lose and gain, by staying on this ship and reaching land someday!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Facebook Edition: January 8, 2009 - Can You Feel It?
1. Put your iPod on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got this from.
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Right Here, Right Now - Fatboy Slim
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Two Step - Dave Matthews Band
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Dracula Moon - Joan Osbourne
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Vacuum - In Flames
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
One - Metallica
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Ten Thousand Fists - Disturbed
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Halo 2 Theme Mjolnir Mix - Halo 2 OST
WHAT IS 2+2?
So I Thought - Flyleaf
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Anna Molly - Incubus
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Of Wolf and Man - Metallica
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Ants Marching - Dave Matthews Band
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Take A Look Around - Limp Bizkit
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Charlie - Red Hot Chili Peppers
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
I Get It - Chevelle
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Teenager - Deftones
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
The Noose - A Perfect Circle
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Easily - Red Hot Chili Peppers
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Just Stop - Disturbed
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Slow Cheetah - Red Hot Chili Peppers
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Bound for the Floor - Local H
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
String Quartet Op. 18, No. 1 - Vanguard Classics
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
The Down Town - Days of the New
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Doperide - Saliva
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Better Man - Pearl Jam
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Pictures of You - The Cure
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
King Nothing - Metallica
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
The Quiet Place - In Flames
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Let You Down - Dave Matthews Band
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Heresy - Nine Inch Nails
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Can You Feel It? - David Crowder
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got this from.
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Right Here, Right Now - Fatboy Slim
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Two Step - Dave Matthews Band
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Dracula Moon - Joan Osbourne
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Vacuum - In Flames
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
One - Metallica
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Ten Thousand Fists - Disturbed
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Halo 2 Theme Mjolnir Mix - Halo 2 OST
WHAT IS 2+2?
So I Thought - Flyleaf
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Anna Molly - Incubus
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Of Wolf and Man - Metallica
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Ants Marching - Dave Matthews Band
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Take A Look Around - Limp Bizkit
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Charlie - Red Hot Chili Peppers
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
I Get It - Chevelle
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Teenager - Deftones
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
The Noose - A Perfect Circle
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Easily - Red Hot Chili Peppers
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Just Stop - Disturbed
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Slow Cheetah - Red Hot Chili Peppers
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Bound for the Floor - Local H
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
String Quartet Op. 18, No. 1 - Vanguard Classics
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
The Down Town - Days of the New
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Doperide - Saliva
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Better Man - Pearl Jam
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Pictures of You - The Cure
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
King Nothing - Metallica
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
The Quiet Place - In Flames
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Let You Down - Dave Matthews Band
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Heresy - Nine Inch Nails
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Can You Feel It? - David Crowder
Facebook Edition: January 6, 2009 - Comparison
Sometimes I try to do things but it just doesn't work out the way I want it to, and I get real frustrated and then like I try hard to do it, and I like, take my time but it just doesn't work out the way I want it to. Its like, I concentrate on it real hard, but it just doesn't work out. And everything I do and everything I try, it never turns out. Its like, I need time to figure these things out, but theres always someone there going “Hey Mike, you know we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately, you know? You need to maybe get away. And like, maybe you should talk about it, you'll feel a lot better.” And I'm all like “Oh, nah, its OK, you know. I'll figure it out. Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out, you know? I'm just working on it by myself.” And they go “Well, you know, if you wanna talk about it, I'll be here, you know? And you'll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it. So why don't you talk about it?” I go “No, I don't want to! I'm OK. I'll figure it out myself!” But they just keep bugging me, they just keep bugging me, and it builds up inside.
So you're gonna be institutionalized. You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes.
You won't have anything to say. They'll brainwash you until you see their way.
I'm not crazy - Institutionalized
You're the one that's crazy - Institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - Institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help to protect me from the enemy, myself.
I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything, but then again I was thinking about nothing. And then my mom came in, and I didn't even know she was there. She called my name and I didn't hear her and then she started screaming “Mike, Mike!” And I go “What? What's the matter?” She goes “What's the matter with you?” I go “There's nothing wrong, mom.” She's all “don't tell me that! You're on drugs!” I go “No, mom I'm not on drugs. I'm ok, I'm just thinking, you know? Why don't you get me a Pepsi?” She goes “No! You're on drugs!” I go “Mom, I'm OK. I'm just thinking.” She goes “No! You're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't be acting that way!” I go “Mom, just get me a Pepsi! Please, all I want is a Pepsi!” And she wouldn't give it to me! All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me! Just a Pepsi!
They give you a white shirt with long sleeves! Tied around your back, you're treated like thieves!
Drug you up because they're lazy! It's too much work to help a crazy!
I'm not crazy - Institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - Institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - Institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help, to protect me from the enemy, myself.
I'm sitting in my room, when my mom and my dad came in. They pulled up a chair and they sat down. They go “Mike, we need to talk to you.” And I go “OK, what's the matter?” They go “Me and your mom, we've noticed that lately you've been having a lot of problems, and you've been going off for no reason, and we're afraid you're going to hurt somebody, and we're afraid you're going to hurt yourself. So we decided that it would be in you're best interest if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need.” And I go “Wait, what are you talking about, WE decided? MY best interests? How do you know what MY best interest is? How can you say what MY best interest is? What are you trying to say? I'M crazy? When I went to YOUR schools, I went to YOUR churches, I went to YOUR institutional learning facilities. So how can you say I'M crazy?”
They say they're gonna fix my brain. Alleviate my suffering and my pain.
But by the time they fix my head. Mentally I'll be dead.
I'm not crazy - Institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - Institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - Institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help, to protect me from the enemy, myself.
Doesn't matter, I'll probably get hit by a car anyways
((I can't believe how well this fits))
So you're gonna be institutionalized. You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes.
You won't have anything to say. They'll brainwash you until you see their way.
I'm not crazy - Institutionalized
You're the one that's crazy - Institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - Institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help to protect me from the enemy, myself.
I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything, but then again I was thinking about nothing. And then my mom came in, and I didn't even know she was there. She called my name and I didn't hear her and then she started screaming “Mike, Mike!” And I go “What? What's the matter?” She goes “What's the matter with you?” I go “There's nothing wrong, mom.” She's all “don't tell me that! You're on drugs!” I go “No, mom I'm not on drugs. I'm ok, I'm just thinking, you know? Why don't you get me a Pepsi?” She goes “No! You're on drugs!” I go “Mom, I'm OK. I'm just thinking.” She goes “No! You're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't be acting that way!” I go “Mom, just get me a Pepsi! Please, all I want is a Pepsi!” And she wouldn't give it to me! All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me! Just a Pepsi!
They give you a white shirt with long sleeves! Tied around your back, you're treated like thieves!
Drug you up because they're lazy! It's too much work to help a crazy!
I'm not crazy - Institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - Institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - Institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help, to protect me from the enemy, myself.
I'm sitting in my room, when my mom and my dad came in. They pulled up a chair and they sat down. They go “Mike, we need to talk to you.” And I go “OK, what's the matter?” They go “Me and your mom, we've noticed that lately you've been having a lot of problems, and you've been going off for no reason, and we're afraid you're going to hurt somebody, and we're afraid you're going to hurt yourself. So we decided that it would be in you're best interest if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need.” And I go “Wait, what are you talking about, WE decided? MY best interests? How do you know what MY best interest is? How can you say what MY best interest is? What are you trying to say? I'M crazy? When I went to YOUR schools, I went to YOUR churches, I went to YOUR institutional learning facilities. So how can you say I'M crazy?”
They say they're gonna fix my brain. Alleviate my suffering and my pain.
But by the time they fix my head. Mentally I'll be dead.
I'm not crazy - Institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - Institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - Institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution, said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help, to protect me from the enemy, myself.
Doesn't matter, I'll probably get hit by a car anyways
((I can't believe how well this fits))
Facebook Edition: December 27, 2008 - Rita...
...never thought a lot of things.
Yet things still seemed to happen.
I feel like an egg yolk wrapped in cold with a layer of purple...sitting in a bowl of lemon custard in a dark corner of the basement.
Yet things still seemed to happen.
I feel like an egg yolk wrapped in cold with a layer of purple...sitting in a bowl of lemon custard in a dark corner of the basement.
Facebook Edition: December 23, 2008 - Life's Just A Lesson, You Learn It When You're Through...
A very important someone told me very recently that "entire segments of life are a stretch right now." A stretch. How well put.
Things, particularly one thing, one thing called life, is wearing extremely thin. The delicate fabric is about to break and only a handful have noticed. Tied to their spines, like puppet strings, hooked to the slimy film of life. Encircling it, they walk outward, stretching, stretching, the resistence heavy and thick as their bodies. But no one seems to notice that it gets harder each time their foot hits the floor.
No one seems to notice that their spines are about to snap, the string is about to unravel, the film about to burst.
Life used to mean so much to them...to you...to me.
And then we all turned around. Took it from its cradle and hooked it to our bony backs, through the skin, emaciated and white. Black eyes stared uselessly and blindly as we looked at each other one last time and walked out, walked away from everything and everyone. Occassionally the glimpse of light caught someone's eye, here or there, and they turned for just a moment, just long enough to gaze back at that slimy membrane as it tugged at its people's flesh. And then...almost reluctantly...but faithful as ever, to the mindless call of isolation, they turned again...and started walking. Slowly, step by step as the burden grew greater, heavier.
And now a couple, maybe one or two, have turned around and looked at each other. The crowd moves outward still, but several of its links are reluctant, stubborn...
There is still much more to be decided. I wish you could see what I see in my head, this picture that I have. Its dismal, yes, dark and unpleasant. But what did you expect? My head isn't full of rainbows and ponies. Its full of paradoxes and contradictions...things that work when they shouldn't and are beautiful when they're not supposed to be.
Wake up! Everything is like some sick circus...
A beautiful, demented, twisted, sadistic, wonderful circus that God created to be much better than I make it sound.
God help me yet to be the person that you want me to be.
Right now, more than ever, I need to reach up to you...not have you bend down for me. I'm not trying my hardest, I know I'm not. I can do better, and I will do better.
A Servant
Things, particularly one thing, one thing called life, is wearing extremely thin. The delicate fabric is about to break and only a handful have noticed. Tied to their spines, like puppet strings, hooked to the slimy film of life. Encircling it, they walk outward, stretching, stretching, the resistence heavy and thick as their bodies. But no one seems to notice that it gets harder each time their foot hits the floor.
No one seems to notice that their spines are about to snap, the string is about to unravel, the film about to burst.
Life used to mean so much to them...to you...to me.
And then we all turned around. Took it from its cradle and hooked it to our bony backs, through the skin, emaciated and white. Black eyes stared uselessly and blindly as we looked at each other one last time and walked out, walked away from everything and everyone. Occassionally the glimpse of light caught someone's eye, here or there, and they turned for just a moment, just long enough to gaze back at that slimy membrane as it tugged at its people's flesh. And then...almost reluctantly...but faithful as ever, to the mindless call of isolation, they turned again...and started walking. Slowly, step by step as the burden grew greater, heavier.
And now a couple, maybe one or two, have turned around and looked at each other. The crowd moves outward still, but several of its links are reluctant, stubborn...
There is still much more to be decided. I wish you could see what I see in my head, this picture that I have. Its dismal, yes, dark and unpleasant. But what did you expect? My head isn't full of rainbows and ponies. Its full of paradoxes and contradictions...things that work when they shouldn't and are beautiful when they're not supposed to be.
Wake up! Everything is like some sick circus...
A beautiful, demented, twisted, sadistic, wonderful circus that God created to be much better than I make it sound.
God help me yet to be the person that you want me to be.
Right now, more than ever, I need to reach up to you...not have you bend down for me. I'm not trying my hardest, I know I'm not. I can do better, and I will do better.
A Servant
Facebook Edition: December 17, 2008 - Music, Not Just Words
It is said that words are the overflow of the heart. What comes out of your mouth is what lives in your heart. Currently, I am finding that this is true and then some.
The then some is a not a new revelation for me...I know what one of those then some's is.
What I am now realizing with greater clarity is that what comes out of your mouth matters just as much as what comes out of your headphones...
The things that spew from headphones and are absorbed into the head are not to be overlooked. Lately, the music I have been listening to has been...less than pleasant. And it doesn't do anything for me. The feelings I have while listening to this music is fleeting...intense, but fleeting (and oh so meaningless, I am realizing).
Yet, when I listen to music that speaks to my heart, I am strengthened and encouraged. The feeling of rot and atrophy that I am barely conscious of, the slight irritation is presents, begins to heal and I feel content, whole, at peace.
Take whatever you will from this little note. It is hear to be thought about.
The then some is a not a new revelation for me...I know what one of those then some's is.
What I am now realizing with greater clarity is that what comes out of your mouth matters just as much as what comes out of your headphones...
The things that spew from headphones and are absorbed into the head are not to be overlooked. Lately, the music I have been listening to has been...less than pleasant. And it doesn't do anything for me. The feelings I have while listening to this music is fleeting...intense, but fleeting (and oh so meaningless, I am realizing).
Yet, when I listen to music that speaks to my heart, I am strengthened and encouraged. The feeling of rot and atrophy that I am barely conscious of, the slight irritation is presents, begins to heal and I feel content, whole, at peace.
Take whatever you will from this little note. It is hear to be thought about.
Facebook Edition: December 4, 2008 - 16 Things...
Directions:
Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things, shortcomings, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 16 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. You have to tag the person who tagged you.
1. I have a really hard time opening up and telling people anything about myself.
2. I have severe self-esteem issues and believe that I'm not worth a bucket of crap. And I refuse to agree with anyone who tells me otherwise.
3. God is the most important thing in my life. Ever.
4. Traveling is something I will never stop doing.
5. I often write all over my body as a form of catharsis.
6. I am fated to be an empath, a cynic, and a social recluse all at the same time.
7. I'm terribly indecisive and have great trouble forming any sort of definitive answer to anything.
8. Depression is the most familiar place I know, and I feel best when I am there.
9. I constantly try to vanquish my depression, but I never win.
10. I am incredibly sensitive on the inside, but have a natural talent for absorbing the mood of the atmosphere in which I am in and therefore can do an excellent job of covering up my feelings.
11. When things get too hard, I often wish I could curl up on my floor in the fetal position in pitch blackness and wait for the world to leave me alone.
12. I wish a lot of things that aren't possible, but my hope spawns from these.
13. Despite my constant cynicism, I actually do have faith in the human race.
14. I feel threatened by all women who I don't know.
15. I am scared of everyone.
16. I like forks more than I have a right to.
Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things, shortcomings, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 16 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. You have to tag the person who tagged you.
1. I have a really hard time opening up and telling people anything about myself.
2. I have severe self-esteem issues and believe that I'm not worth a bucket of crap. And I refuse to agree with anyone who tells me otherwise.
3. God is the most important thing in my life. Ever.
4. Traveling is something I will never stop doing.
5. I often write all over my body as a form of catharsis.
6. I am fated to be an empath, a cynic, and a social recluse all at the same time.
7. I'm terribly indecisive and have great trouble forming any sort of definitive answer to anything.
8. Depression is the most familiar place I know, and I feel best when I am there.
9. I constantly try to vanquish my depression, but I never win.
10. I am incredibly sensitive on the inside, but have a natural talent for absorbing the mood of the atmosphere in which I am in and therefore can do an excellent job of covering up my feelings.
11. When things get too hard, I often wish I could curl up on my floor in the fetal position in pitch blackness and wait for the world to leave me alone.
12. I wish a lot of things that aren't possible, but my hope spawns from these.
13. Despite my constant cynicism, I actually do have faith in the human race.
14. I feel threatened by all women who I don't know.
15. I am scared of everyone.
16. I like forks more than I have a right to.
Facebook Edition: November 30, 2008 - Nostalgia's Kiss
If nostalgia was a person, he would be the saddest, most hopeless lump of a human ever to walk the face of the earth. Eternal and depressed, Nostalgia would float along sidewalks, hovering through crowds, washing the minds of everyone he passes in a wave of sudden saddening memory.
It is gentle and slowly devastating. The void he leaves in his wispy wake becomes magnetic, drawing you closer to the pavement, the floor.
And before you know it, there you are, lying on the ground. Looking at nothing and something, thinking about nothing and everything.
Tonight Nostalgia paid me a personal visit. He sighed through my window as I started out into the darkness, floated behind me as I tiptoed up my stairs, and curled up on my floor with one final sigh before looking at me helplessly, emptily, and then sinking into the carpet and leaving me alone. The air he left behind was enough to permeate my whole being.
I began the search...the futile search for things in my possession that existed from another period of my life not so near to this current chapter. Old pictures of Ava and I at swim meets in Bishop, yearbooks from one and two years ago, letters from friends and family, and mere memories trapped in the trellises of my head.
And then the sinking feeling. That slow, eventual call to the floor, the one that beckons me place my side on the carpet, hug my knees to my chest and look at nothing and something, think about nothing and everything.
This picture here, his window into my head, is nothing but the remnants of Nostalgia, the stain of his presence that favors the late hours of the night and weird hours of the early morning.
For tonight, I've given up trying to clean my room and myself of his visit. Tonight is for Nostalgia, a time to mourn the way things used to be and reluctantly move into tomorrow...
Goodbye November the 29th, 2008. I won't be seeing you again.
It is gentle and slowly devastating. The void he leaves in his wispy wake becomes magnetic, drawing you closer to the pavement, the floor.
And before you know it, there you are, lying on the ground. Looking at nothing and something, thinking about nothing and everything.
Tonight Nostalgia paid me a personal visit. He sighed through my window as I started out into the darkness, floated behind me as I tiptoed up my stairs, and curled up on my floor with one final sigh before looking at me helplessly, emptily, and then sinking into the carpet and leaving me alone. The air he left behind was enough to permeate my whole being.
I began the search...the futile search for things in my possession that existed from another period of my life not so near to this current chapter. Old pictures of Ava and I at swim meets in Bishop, yearbooks from one and two years ago, letters from friends and family, and mere memories trapped in the trellises of my head.
And then the sinking feeling. That slow, eventual call to the floor, the one that beckons me place my side on the carpet, hug my knees to my chest and look at nothing and something, think about nothing and everything.
This picture here, his window into my head, is nothing but the remnants of Nostalgia, the stain of his presence that favors the late hours of the night and weird hours of the early morning.
For tonight, I've given up trying to clean my room and myself of his visit. Tonight is for Nostalgia, a time to mourn the way things used to be and reluctantly move into tomorrow...
Goodbye November the 29th, 2008. I won't be seeing you again.
Facebook Edition: November 9, 2008 - Tangled Thoughts Don't Play Well Together...
Aaaahh! It blurs EVERYTHING!! I want to explode into a million pieces, I want to run and run and get lost in the blackness of the damp winter world. Take this mass of muscles and bury it, bury it, bury it deep within the cavernous closeness of the dirt beneath my feet. Free myself and take what's left of me, crawling, clawing, spasming to the surface and crossing the border between fleeting cerebration and tangible ethereal.
It will happen again.
All over again.
My body will flex and my mind will flex back. The synergy is irresistible, irrepressible, irritating. As my muscles writhe within my flesh, I cannot help but grab the pen. I feel as though I am made from ink, born of the pen...
It will happen again.
All over again.
My body will flex and my mind will flex back. The synergy is irresistible, irrepressible, irritating. As my muscles writhe within my flesh, I cannot help but grab the pen. I feel as though I am made from ink, born of the pen...
Facebook Edition: November 6, 2008 - INFP
Idealist Portrait of the Healer (INFP)Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. But inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. And their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.
Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. They conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. In fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. Set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.
Also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.
At work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. Because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. When making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. They have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.
Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. They conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. In fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. Set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.
Also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.
At work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. Because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. When making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. They have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.
Facebook Edition: November 6, 2008 - A Game
Step 1: Shuffle your songs.
Step 2: Write down the first line of the first 20 songs.
Step 3: When someone guesses it, strike out the title and add the name!
Using Google or other search engines is considered CHEATING!
Okay, so I cheated a little bit. On some I put what I considered to be the first line, not the first line according to the lyrics.
1. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, care if I'm old
2. There must be something we can eat
3. My reflection, dirty mirror
4. Oh, well lesson dance and shoot to God a storm-suffered owl
5. All my devotion betrayed
6. Gimme me one more chance and you'll be satisfied
7. Ha, ha, tell me ya like it
8. Betrayed (by my soul), the blame (place on my shoulders), weight (I will carry all the way to my grave)
9. There's a red house over yonder
10. Suspicion is your name, your honesty to blame
11. Do you want me to cry, cry for you
12.Keep your eyes on the road and your hands upon wheel
Roadhouse Blues--The Doors (Kevin Robles)
13.Annie's 12 years old in 2 more she'll be a whore
Wrong Way--Sublime (Lauren Harris)
14. She down on the corner, just a little climb
15. Could you be loved and be loved?
16. This day could be the worst one yet, I just won't relax, I can't catch my breath
17. Oh please, don't you rock my boat
18. Arise, oh Lord, lift up your eyes, don't forget I'm helpless
19. Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
20. Because I'm happy to be sad I want it all, I want it bad
Step 2: Write down the first line of the first 20 songs.
Step 3: When someone guesses it, strike out the title and add the name!
Using Google or other search engines is considered CHEATING!
Okay, so I cheated a little bit. On some I put what I considered to be the first line, not the first line according to the lyrics.
1. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, care if I'm old
2. There must be something we can eat
3. My reflection, dirty mirror
4. Oh, well lesson dance and shoot to God a storm-suffered owl
5. All my devotion betrayed
6. Gimme me one more chance and you'll be satisfied
7. Ha, ha, tell me ya like it
8. Betrayed (by my soul), the blame (place on my shoulders), weight (I will carry all the way to my grave)
9. There's a red house over yonder
10. Suspicion is your name, your honesty to blame
11. Do you want me to cry, cry for you
12.
Roadhouse Blues--The Doors (Kevin Robles)
13.
Wrong Way--Sublime (Lauren Harris)
14. She down on the corner, just a little climb
15. Could you be loved and be loved?
16. This day could be the worst one yet, I just won't relax, I can't catch my breath
17. Oh please, don't you rock my boat
18. Arise, oh Lord, lift up your eyes, don't forget I'm helpless
19. Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
20. Because I'm happy to be sad I want it all, I want it bad
Facebook Edition: September 7, 2008 - These things called 'Notes'...
What are these things for, anyway? Notes? What for?
Ahem.
I suppose I'll use one anyhow.
I find that the thoughts flow most freely (and quite possibly most incoherently) at strange hours of the night and early morning. Those hours after midnight and before four in the morning. When the sun is down and not quite up, but making its rounds on the other side of the world.
I'll take this limited block of time to say that I am. And will be. Everyday I'm a little bit different, a little bit the same, but always being. I'm growing and backsliding and emerging and hiding. Its a rather tedious and repetitive cycle, but unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that that is what existence is made up of...
Ahem.
I suppose I'll use one anyhow.
I find that the thoughts flow most freely (and quite possibly most incoherently) at strange hours of the night and early morning. Those hours after midnight and before four in the morning. When the sun is down and not quite up, but making its rounds on the other side of the world.
I'll take this limited block of time to say that I am. And will be. Everyday I'm a little bit different, a little bit the same, but always being. I'm growing and backsliding and emerging and hiding. Its a rather tedious and repetitive cycle, but unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that that is what existence is made up of...
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
September 23, 2009 - Today...
I don't feel great today...physically, I'm doing alright. Mentally and spiritually, I'm SO FRICKING ANGRY!! I don't even know precisely why...I suppose the whole "moving out and starting life" thing could be a small contributing factor, but I shouldn't be freaking out about it this much. I don't want to do anything...nothing...not one single thing, in preparation to go. I don't want to transfer all my stuff into giant plastic bins to be stored under the house...I don't want to do my laundry so I can put it all in a box. I don't want to label and pack and put things in the back of my truck.
I just don't wanna.
But whining isn't going to help. I'm wasting time as I sit here, thinking about how I wish we had waffles, and how I really want to eat that ice cream in the freezer, but now is not a good time.
Plans and preparation are dumb...I'm too lazy for them. But I have to start somewhere...So I'll go.
I just don't wanna.
But whining isn't going to help. I'm wasting time as I sit here, thinking about how I wish we had waffles, and how I really want to eat that ice cream in the freezer, but now is not a good time.
Plans and preparation are dumb...I'm too lazy for them. But I have to start somewhere...So I'll go.
August 28, 2009 - A Distraction...
AAAAAAAAAAAGH! I can't stand being with myself! I hate having so much time to think...all I want to do is sleep so I don't have to think anymore...I would cherish some good distractions right about now.
Just to keep me from thinking about waiting. Every second I sit here with myself brings me more realizations of things I may have ruined. But even trying to sleep is hard. I can't bring myself to actually sleep. Last night I lay awake for an hour, tossing and turning, thinking and on the verge of tears every moment...
This is terrible! Give me something to take my mind off of everything...Sunday won't come soon enough, and I have nothing to do tomorrow...there are some worthwhile distractions on Sunday...but they are still two days away!
I don't have the heart for climbing...I can barely write anything...I drove around the lake yesterday and wasted two hours...but I was still alone and it gave me nothing but time to think.
The frustration is building and I know I'm being impatient. I feel like the child in the back seat of the car, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
Or watching the teapot, waiting for the water to boil. It feels like ten minutes have gone by, but when you look up at the clock, you are surprised to find that only one single, solitary minute has passed.
I hope everything isn't wrecked. I hope I'm not alone. I would just like some answers...so I can know where I stand.
This happened once before, but the result was terrible...I suppose I'm a little scarred from that episode.
But I hope this is different...in a better way.
November 10, 2008 - This Keyboard
The words aren't coming out right. There are too many of them. Tonight's ramblings require precise words. Indecision has left me for a moment or two. Soon he'll return with great vengeance. He doesn't like to leave for long periods of time. He often gets jealous when night comes around. So tomorrow, when he arrives, I will be plagued with his incessant refusal to give a straight answer. Its too bad that my brain and him are such good friends...I really wish my brain could know a bad influence when it sees one. Unfortunately, there are too many things to say tonight. My body wavers in and out of existence. I feel as though I have been drawn in sketchy lines, created out of half-thoughts that no one completed. I am an interrupted person, made of distractions...a cerebration that hasn't been completely finished.
November 3, 2008 - INFP...That's What They Tell Me
Idealist Portrait of the Healer (INFP)Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. But inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. And their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.
Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. They conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. In fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. Set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.
Also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.
At work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. Because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. When making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. They have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.
Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. They conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. In fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. Set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.
Also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.
At work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. Because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. When making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. They have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.
October 23, 2009 - That One Thing Where...
As is typical of life, relationships happen. You begin to talk with someone and realize that you have a few things in common. Then you talk more, and consider yourselves acquaintances. After a few more conversations, you begin to consider yourselves friends. Things go well for a while. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, they stop talking to you. Or things just sort of go awry and you slowly stop talking or seeing one another all together. I'm tired of that. I don't like it. It makes me feel like I've done something wrong, or was not worthy of that person's friendship. As if having heavy duty social complexes was not enough already, these people make me feel like I am the bottom of the barrel when it comes to friends. Its like being picked last for teams in elementary school kick ball. It made you feel like crap. And here I am, wondering why this happens. Its devastating. People believe that friendships are like Aspen leaves. In the Spring, new buds appear. Later on those buds erupt into leaves. Those leaves endure a long Summer of life, and then when Fall rolls around, they shrivel up and die. Why does this have to be so? I would like to believe that friendships are more amongst the realm of pine trees. Needles grow and stay green Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter--all freakin' year round. Friendships are not seasonal. They are enduring, lasting. I wish they weren't so based on physical appearance, either, because that is generally the case. You see someone and his/her style and decide that you like it. Apparently that grants enough ground for a relationship. How that is, I don't know. While this could very well be the gateway to a very real and wonderful friendship, it can also be its doom. As soon as that person changes his/her style, things go down the tubes. What's up with that? Or as soon as someone gains weight, people start dropping them like a bad habit? And I know that these are terribly broad generalizations, but they are oh so true. There are people everywhere who have done this at one point. I even considered it at one point--but quickly realized how stupid this line of thinking is. Friendships should not be based on appearance, or even simply common ground. Friendships are based on personalities and deep ties to one another on a spiritual level. Simply because someone makes a lifestyle change or gains/loses weight that is no reason to abandon them as a friend. If there lifestyle becomes destructive towards you, however, it may be time to consider finding a new friend, or at least taking a break. Friendships are based on understanding of one another's flaws and problems. Understanding, patience, and love are key in any friendship. Without these things, they are fickle and weak. Suffice to say, I am sick and tired of false friendships. If you are my friend, please be my friend. Do not talk to me for a while and then simply abandon me in the dust as you move on to supposedly 'better' friends.
October 19, 2008 - No, 17, No...
I'm officially 17 years old now. Weird. Time for a whole 'nother year of doing things...stuff.
October 17, 2008 - Uuuuuuuurgh...
I don't think there is a better word to describe the way I feel right now. Uuuuuuurgh seems to say it all.
I feel so empty...like a soulless sack of meat and bones. And since my soul is the real me, without it I feel...mechanical. I'm just pissed off and sad and morose and beat down and hopeless and speechless. I don't want to speak, I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to stay.
I want to lay on the floor and let my mind crawl out the back door of my head again. I want it to creep out through the window and into the street, out into the black night where everything is safe and so much better.
I want to walk out this door, bare feet and all, leave and go and not have to worry. I find it strange humans actually believe that by physically traveling, we can leave our worries behind. You'd think that by now, we would have realized that this NEVER works. Our heads come with us everywhere. Everywhere. We just end up taking our worries somewhere else where there are more and less familiar distractions...
I'm sitting up straight on this wooden stool, my hands cold and wrinkled from the residual moisture in my fingers. The shower felt good, but almost made things worse. It made my feelings of emptiness and loneliness more apparent and even more devastating.
All the people I know don't like me, are sad, or think I'm someone I'm not. Why can't I just be? I want to just be...I want to be talked to like a person. I want to be talked to like I am. I want to just sit down next to someone and suddenly be friends.
I am tired of the dramatic friendships that exist in high school. You have to be loud and obnoxious and stupid in order to really look like you're friends. Why can't we just talk? Why do I have to look like I'm having the best time ever playing patty cake when its something I normally wouldn't do? Why am I accused of things I'm not even consciously doing?
If I'm doing something you don't like, TELL ME. Its the best thing you could do for me...
I feel so empty...like a soulless sack of meat and bones. And since my soul is the real me, without it I feel...mechanical. I'm just pissed off and sad and morose and beat down and hopeless and speechless. I don't want to speak, I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to stay.
I want to lay on the floor and let my mind crawl out the back door of my head again. I want it to creep out through the window and into the street, out into the black night where everything is safe and so much better.
I want to walk out this door, bare feet and all, leave and go and not have to worry. I find it strange humans actually believe that by physically traveling, we can leave our worries behind. You'd think that by now, we would have realized that this NEVER works. Our heads come with us everywhere. Everywhere. We just end up taking our worries somewhere else where there are more and less familiar distractions...
I'm sitting up straight on this wooden stool, my hands cold and wrinkled from the residual moisture in my fingers. The shower felt good, but almost made things worse. It made my feelings of emptiness and loneliness more apparent and even more devastating.
All the people I know don't like me, are sad, or think I'm someone I'm not. Why can't I just be? I want to just be...I want to be talked to like a person. I want to be talked to like I am. I want to just sit down next to someone and suddenly be friends.
I am tired of the dramatic friendships that exist in high school. You have to be loud and obnoxious and stupid in order to really look like you're friends. Why can't we just talk? Why do I have to look like I'm having the best time ever playing patty cake when its something I normally wouldn't do? Why am I accused of things I'm not even consciously doing?
If I'm doing something you don't like, TELL ME. Its the best thing you could do for me...
October 17, 2008 - He Finally Kicked The Bucket...
Skeletor is dying. I've diagnosed him with a severe case of dementia. He can't remember where he put all my music, even though he still has it. He won't let me access it...I think its because he doesn't actually know he still has it. It could have something to do with the fact that I've dropped him numerous times and even dropKICKed him once...which was completely on accident. Now he's slowing my computer down because Clarence of Arabia can't figure out how to communicate with Skeletor's messed up brain...
Poor Skeletor. I've had him since 8th grade. Now he's finally making his last stand...
Its been a good run, buddy.
Poor Skeletor. I've had him since 8th grade. Now he's finally making his last stand...
Its been a good run, buddy.
October 6, 2008 - The Not So Important Ramblings of a Deranged Mind...
As I have stated many times before, there is something about the hours after eleven and before dawn that stimulate weird, philosophical thoughts...
Here I am, once again, sitting in front of the computer. The room is dark and the electric glow from the screen lights my face in harsh shadows. My hands tick endlessly at the keyboard as little black letters appear on the screen, spelling out my thoughts in a tacit, powerful script. Behind my bloodshot, heavy eyes my mind escapes through the back of my head, trailing a net of nerves and cobwebs behind it. This is routine. My mind does this most every night. A trip to the outer reaches of my imagination and the limits of the world beckon my brain out of its little bone chamber, calling it to explore the murky depths of subconscious thought.
As I sit, staring at the steady, bright pixels that form the screen, I waver in and out of cognizance. A mixture of the changing seasons, the absence of my spiritual mind, and sleep deprivation make for a strange contentment. It is odd that I should find my soul so drawn to the comforts of snow while my hands are grafted to this plastic tick-board. The only reason I remain here now is because the rational, programmed part of my being tells me that I can't go out this late at night. I can't go out because my parents would disapprove. I can't go out because I might get raped. I can't go out because its too cold. Under different circumstances, these thoughts would not deter me. But because I am where I am, I stay inside. Only to drag myself back upstairs momentarily and fall into a pile of springs and sheets.
The heater sighs to life behind me and creates the white noise that we are so fond of. The fear of silence is inherent and almost genetic. Humans have made themselves so backwards. Silence is wiser and more exposing than Noise, yet humans prefer the lesser of the two.
What do you mean 'you understand'? You don't understand...you speak about the same things as everyone else and you use your tongue like it was a flag. Wave it in the wind so everyone will see, fly those colors nice and high. Pretend all you like that your understanding is mine, but I won't be the one to expose you. Soon your flag will become threadbare, tattered, and worn and you'll expose yourself, you falsities escaping through the holes like water through a crack. Good luck clogging that dam. Your mouth is the overflow of your heart, and your dam is breaking. That heart is full of sewage and waste, its acrid bite has finally bitten its way through your ineffective layers of duality and niceties.
Good luck clogging that dam.
Here I am, once again, sitting in front of the computer. The room is dark and the electric glow from the screen lights my face in harsh shadows. My hands tick endlessly at the keyboard as little black letters appear on the screen, spelling out my thoughts in a tacit, powerful script. Behind my bloodshot, heavy eyes my mind escapes through the back of my head, trailing a net of nerves and cobwebs behind it. This is routine. My mind does this most every night. A trip to the outer reaches of my imagination and the limits of the world beckon my brain out of its little bone chamber, calling it to explore the murky depths of subconscious thought.
As I sit, staring at the steady, bright pixels that form the screen, I waver in and out of cognizance. A mixture of the changing seasons, the absence of my spiritual mind, and sleep deprivation make for a strange contentment. It is odd that I should find my soul so drawn to the comforts of snow while my hands are grafted to this plastic tick-board. The only reason I remain here now is because the rational, programmed part of my being tells me that I can't go out this late at night. I can't go out because my parents would disapprove. I can't go out because I might get raped. I can't go out because its too cold. Under different circumstances, these thoughts would not deter me. But because I am where I am, I stay inside. Only to drag myself back upstairs momentarily and fall into a pile of springs and sheets.
The heater sighs to life behind me and creates the white noise that we are so fond of. The fear of silence is inherent and almost genetic. Humans have made themselves so backwards. Silence is wiser and more exposing than Noise, yet humans prefer the lesser of the two.
What do you mean 'you understand'? You don't understand...you speak about the same things as everyone else and you use your tongue like it was a flag. Wave it in the wind so everyone will see, fly those colors nice and high. Pretend all you like that your understanding is mine, but I won't be the one to expose you. Soon your flag will become threadbare, tattered, and worn and you'll expose yourself, you falsities escaping through the holes like water through a crack. Good luck clogging that dam. Your mouth is the overflow of your heart, and your dam is breaking. That heart is full of sewage and waste, its acrid bite has finally bitten its way through your ineffective layers of duality and niceties.
Good luck clogging that dam.
September 13, 2008 - What It Is...
Once again, I have not written anything in awhile and figured that since I have been spending so much time on MySpace in the last couple of days, I couldn't retreat to my lair without first writing another blog. I'm pretty sure that no one reads these anymore (if in fact they ever did), but its always cathartic for me. Ahem... Eric and I had a good conversation today. It was highly philosophical and encompassed just about everything. One of the main things that sticks in my mind is a question he asked- "I'm still trying to figure out if everything is two or one: like, everyone thinks that things are so two-sided, like black and white, and good and bad. What if they are all the same? Everything just IS?" It really struck me as odd. I know I've had that very same thought before, and when Eric brought it up, it surprised me because it had been so long since I had last thought about it. I haven't quite come up with an answer yet, either. Its a big question. Something to pique the brain.
June 15, 2008 - Its Been A While...
Its been a while since I've posted anything...
I hate to think of how many blogs have been started that way. Unfortunately, its unavoidable because its true. MySpace just isn't accessible, much less important. Basically I'm trying to keep whatever pulse this blog has, just resuscitating it every now and again to make sure it doesn't go completely dead... just mostly.
I'll be leaving for Nebraska in about 6 days... I'm not prepared. Mentally, spiritually, or physically. Every time I go to Nebraska I end up turning into a complete insomniac and having incredible revelations at strange hours of the twilight while sitting in the rain. Every time...
God teaches me all kinds of things when I'm there, as well. Its a whole different spiritual environment. Last time it kind of eroded me and built me up at the same time.
Physically, I'm not as in shape as I would like to be. I'm pretty sure I've gained some weight, but it doesn't really matter. I don't want to be obsessed with my body image, though its really hard not to be. As long as I can function unhindered, I believe I'm okay...
That's it for a while. Things are good, not worth continuing to explain.
I hate to think of how many blogs have been started that way. Unfortunately, its unavoidable because its true. MySpace just isn't accessible, much less important. Basically I'm trying to keep whatever pulse this blog has, just resuscitating it every now and again to make sure it doesn't go completely dead... just mostly.
I'll be leaving for Nebraska in about 6 days... I'm not prepared. Mentally, spiritually, or physically. Every time I go to Nebraska I end up turning into a complete insomniac and having incredible revelations at strange hours of the twilight while sitting in the rain. Every time...
God teaches me all kinds of things when I'm there, as well. Its a whole different spiritual environment. Last time it kind of eroded me and built me up at the same time.
Physically, I'm not as in shape as I would like to be. I'm pretty sure I've gained some weight, but it doesn't really matter. I don't want to be obsessed with my body image, though its really hard not to be. As long as I can function unhindered, I believe I'm okay...
That's it for a while. Things are good, not worth continuing to explain.
January 16, 2008 - Sense...
Around ten last night I took a good hour to think about people. People I had known, had liked, had met, had been friends with. I picked up my year book, reminesced, and then got to thinking. People are so strange, or rather, so ordinary. The standard of the world is change. Change faces, change looks, change who we are on a daily basis. The question is always "who do I want to be today?". And because of this question, everything has maintained a constant state of fickleness. None of this world really matters.
Then I thought, "What does matter, then?" and came up with one answer. God. God makes perfect sense. God is backward in so many ways. He makes no sense in the definition of this world, but outside it, He is the only thing that matters. God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is never changing. When everything around me (and, in fact, myself) is changing, God stays the same. The comfort of being able to lean on such a constant is amazing...
December 16, 2007 - Hate Me, Please
"Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you." 1 John 3:13
I'm so happy that God has everything backward
November 23, 2007 - Better Things To Do...
Today I woke up feeling like an a**. I was supposed to go shopping for my step mom because there was a sale at JC Penny's, but I woke up too late and missed out. Then I was standing around thinking about what to wear for a half hour. Then I ate some crappy food and walked around the block. It smelled really bad.
But, after wasting most of my morning, I figured out that there are better things to do with my time than focus on myself. Sitting around the house isn't so bad when I stop thinking about myself. Instead, I went to persecution.com and researched how I can sponsor a child in a third-world country that needs food, water, shelter, health care, and Jesus. Its not nearly as good as going to whatever country and interacting with the children face-to-face, but its the second best thing. $25 is a small price to pay for another person's soul. Thank God this life is not about me.
November 23, 2007 - Arg...
I'm tired of my face and kind of wish it would just go away. In fact, if my entire physical being would just cease to exist, that would be okay. I am constantly discontented with the way I look and catch myself frowning in the mirror all the time. I wish it were simpler to stop noticing myself. I focus way too much on myself...but honestly, at one o'clock in the morning, there isn't much else I can do--Its pretty hard not to notice yourself when its just you sitting in a room with no one else...
November 3, 2007 - Love (In The Wonderful And Selfless Sense)
I realized something last night. Everything begins with love. Love. And love springs from truly good and selfess things. Helping others for the sake of helping them and not for the gratitude you recieve. Giving up your time and money and self to help out people who need it more than you. And, people respond to love.
All of this made so much sense in my head and I thought it all through very carefully last night. I forgot a lot of what I was going to write, but the main idea is what I said above.
Also, while listening to P.O.D. last night (the song Alive) I was thinking about my faith and love and my spirituality and suddenly I sang the words "I believe no matter what they say". I hadn't even been paying attention to the words in the song and then when that part came, I suddenly felt the need to open my mouth and sing them. I took it as a hint from God. I've been conflicting with the idea of people treating me differently and possibly worse because of my belief in God. It keeps coming up and this one line in this song really helped me out because it was such a blatant reminder of what I should do. Believe no matter what anyone says. It doesn't have to be any more complicated than that.
October 27, 2007 - It's Been Awhile...
Its been a while since I've been anything besides morose, lethargic, tired, or depressed. If you go and check my mood status, you'll find that I'm chipper today. Chipper! Its just the perfect word. I'm in L.A. in my dad's wonderful new apartment and the air smells of ocean. The temperature is perfect. Perfect for going outside and exploring my surroundings. The landlord, who is a wonderfully friendly Philippino man, has consented to drive me and show me around this part of L.A. So, now I'm going to get mah chipper self out of this chair and into L.A. Have a chipper day! XD
Oh, but first, I have to say that it is refreshing that God has put me here. I woke up this morning and thanked him for being here. I haven't been this refreshed in a long time.
Thanks again, God, for being so awesome.
October 4, 2007 - GOD!!!
God,
There are so many things I wish I was doing right now. I wish I was serving you better. I wish my priorities weren't so wacked out. I wish I didn't feel so lost. I wish I could stop wishing and just start doing. But somehow, I seem to have forgotten how to walk. I don't remember how to take the first step to serving you, to being with you, to accepting you. My head tells me "Just put one foot in front of the other, just like before" but the thought never transfers to motion. So I just stand around, waiting to see if maybe I can stare at my feet until I remember how to walk.
Life has just been so bland and confusing lately. Nothing makes sense anymore. Everyday when I wake up I have to ask myself whether or not I'm still dreaming. I feel like maybe everything around me is just going to fall apart and leave me drifting in darkness. How am I to know that touching the wall won't simply make it disappear? I'm less afraid of the results than I should be. Once again, nothing seems to phase me. Nothing is painful, yet everything is filled with pain. Why does everything have to be so hazy? I keep wishing for some clarity to magically and randomly find its way into my head. Unfortunately, another part of me knows that that is impossible. It doesn't happen by itself, as if some mishappen ball of clarity just bounced off the atmoshphere and decided my head would make a good place to rest.
People never cease to frustrate me. They constantly call for my patience, understanding, empathy, sympathy, support,compassion, love, honesty, and other feelings that are always so hard to manage. In many ways, I know I should willingly and ungrudgingly give them these things, but it becomes increasingly difficult. Wrong reactions mixed with guilt make me just want to remove myself from society. Constantly eating at the back of my brain is the knowledge that God wants me to love others in order to Him to them. My mouth and my body create roadblocks that prevent me from doing so and I know that every time I say the wrong thing or react in a way that doesn't display God's love, He cringes in pain and looks sadly down at me. I know he wants me to be better. I know that he has a plan for me, but I get in the way. I laid in bed last night staring up at the ceiling and thought to God about how stupid I am. This whole time I've been trying not to screw up by doing things in my own power. I came to the reluctant realization that God handles things much better than I do. Whenever I rely on Him, my life regains its purpose, its clarity, and its will to move forward.
July 5, 2007 - Faith...
Each day I realize more and more that faith doesn't come easily when you are alone. Being near and seeing or even hearing about others whose faith is strong reminds me that there are good people in the world and God does do great things. Their faith reminds me that I too need to keep my faith and keep it strong. When I am alone, I suck myself into my thoughts and warp things in my head or over think them and end up confused and lost. Even prayers seem empty after a while. But even one good word from one of my many brothers and sisters across this earth instills in me a need to renew my faith and keep on going. When I am without fellowship, I don't realize how far I've strayed from the path until I see another part of my family in the faith. It amazed me how blind I become when I am not surrounded by others that somehow know how to keep me on track. By the grace of God I have such wonderful family and to think, there are thousands more for me to meet! Somewhere in this world there are people who I still have not met who are my brothers and sisters in Christ, and many more that may one day become a part of our large family. It makes me so inexplicably excited to know that there are people I have not met but already have a bond with. I would love to meet every one of them and shake their hand and smile at them. To know that the relationship I have with people is deeper than the surface and deeper even than the heart is so strengthening and powerful. It is the people I meet, whether Christian or not, that remind me how important faith is. I have met so many people who are so wonderful and constantly remind me that there are good things to live for on this earth. Though, I will admit, there are times when I meet people who make me question the integrity of the world. Those people are the ones that I worry about most of all. I don't want to see them continue to lead lives filled with bitterness and unhappiness. I too am still working on ridding my heart of those feelings, but some of those people are not even trying and that is what makes my heart truly mourn. Those are the people that I pray to God for. I want everyone to be able to embrace eachother in a genuine, true way, no matter what race or religion or sexual orientation, or gender, or whatever other ways we have come up with to descriminate against people. People strenghten each other as well as tear each other down. That's why when I see my brothers and sisters standing up for what they believe and doing good things for the world genuinly, I regain heart and begin again to strive for the life I know is right. My faith is restored in those people and in what they do. Whoever said 'it doesn't matter what I do, I will never make a difference' was wrong. Every action and every gesture makes a difference for some person somewhere. Personally, I pray that God will strengthen me and help me watch my actions so that they are as good as possible and as positive as possible so that when people see me, they will see God and they will see happiness and hope and friendliness. I want to make a good difference in people's lived, a positive impact on the world. Sometimes I slip up and my examples aren't so good, but God help me to do better. Every slip up I make could affect someone in the wrong way. God thank you for all the people I meet, yes ALL the people. Some leave a more positive footprint than others, but all are worth meeting. Thank you for the people who build me up and build others up whether with their hands and actions they do or their words and the things they say. God, thank you for every day of life, for with each new day comes new people to meet and a new chance to leave a positive impact on the world. Thank you for all the people that I haven't met yet that are doing great things I don't even know about. Thank you. Thank you for your spirit that lives in our bodies, the most wonderful gift you have ever given us. Thank you for your son, who gives us this new chance every second of our lives to make ourselves better and who helps us become more like himself. Thank you for the love and affection you have placed in my heart for people and I pray that you would allow me to keep it there and not forget that all people are here by your will and have a purpose for you. I pray that through me and my brothers and sisters in You we would help them find their purpose and help them find their happiness. God, you are more wonderful than anything on this earth. Help me to remember that everything here, including our bodies, will someday no longer be existant, that all of it has no meaning. Sometimes I get so attached to things and have to continually remind myself not to because none of it is really important. Only You are important and only living our lives as best we can for you is what matters. God, continue to show me yourself through the world around me and through your word and through others who also have faith in you, and even through those who don't. Everyone is beautiful in their own way by You whether or not they believe in You. For you are kind even to your enemies Lord, and I thank you that by some small amount of faith in you we too are able to be kind to our enemies in order to be better in You. Thank you, Lord, thank you. Endless praise and thanks to your beautiful name and the name of your son. AMEN.
June 24, 2007 - Carry Me...
...If you will.
The prayers of my brothers ans sisters hold me up
The strength of my God carries me.
If you will, hold me up.
I'm falling,
But I know you'll catch me just before I hit the ground
Your prayers mean more than a thousand 'thank you's
-To those who have prayed for me and saved me from myself.
-To God who gives me life and breath and laughter
April 21, 2007 - S.S.
This picture suddenly made me feel as if I need to find a field just like that on a cold, over cast day and just drop to my knees, grab my hair and scream. But I don't want to scream. I want to open my mouth and face towards the sky without any sound.
The woman has nothing to do with anything (at least for me). I wish that was me. But (of course) without the dress, balloons, high heels, etc. I just wish I was me...in that field...yelling as if my voice box didn't exist.
March 17, 2007 - An Obituary
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and planned to have a medical procedure.
Common Sense lost the will to live as churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
March 17, 2007 - Dizzy Up The Girl
If we choose to die so we can live and in doing so forget our past, when we start our life in death, a past will be gained in events that ensue therefore defeating the purpose.
The logic of a dizzy girl. Look up at the sky, arms spread wide, eyes closed, spin in circles and fall to the ground. Body has stopped but mind keeps whirling, first thought comes to mind, my mind grabs hold as if trying to stop itself spinning. Useless, but entertaining. Laughing, I shrug, thinking deeper yet staying on the surface of thought. Alone is the only way to be in this state. Alone with yourself. And in being with yourself you're somehow not alone, as if you are a separate entity from yourself. Am I me? Who am I? I am dizzy. Just a dizzy, confused girl.
February 23, 2007 - How Awesome, Your Love
Jesus,
There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said. None of the things in my heart could manifest themselves in words. All I see when I close my eyes is You and the image is never the same. You are unchanging, but everyday I learn something new about You and I wonder how it is that I doubt You sometimes. I want to get down on my knees, look up to the sky everyday and ask "What can I do for You today, Lord? What do You want for me to do?" And though there are many things that seem to get in the way, I can always make time for You.
Just today, the Lord spared my hands and feet. Yeah, it sounds strange. But just listen. Today at the Hot Springs I wouldn't go into the water because I didn't have a bathing suit so I started walking around in the marshes near the spring. At this point in time it was really windy and it was snowing mildly. So, contrary to all reasonable logic, I went to play in the soggy marshes. Of course, when I came back, my feet were wet and cold. At first it wasn't so bad, but gradually the weather got worse and it started snowing harder. I sat on the wooden walkway rocking back and forth with Sandstorm blasting in my headphones, eyes closed, trying not to focus on how cold my feet were. Eventually I couldn't keep the cold out of my mind any longer so I took off my shoes and stuck my feet in the hot spring, trying desperately to regain some feeling in my feet. Of course my parents came over and began looking at my feet. Both my mom and step dad gasped and started telling me that it was bad that my feet were completely white. Holding my feet and pouring water on them, the my parents 'nursed' my feet back to a state good enough for walking and then forced me back to the car so I could warm up. In trying to get the keys out of my mom's vest pocket I lost all the warmth in my hands as well and could barely unzip the pocket. Keys and wet socks in hand, I began running back to the car with my unlaced, frozen Converse sneakers. As I started the long trek back to the car my body surged with adrenaline. "I might actually have to get my feet or hands amputated," I thought to myself suddenly. I was so full of adrenaline I had barely noticed that I had run out of breath and my hands felt non-existent. In a last-ditch effort to save my hands I stuck them in my mouth one at a time and let my heavy, warm breath envelope them. Slowly feeling came back to both my hands and I looked up into the blizzard. Just around the last bend in the walkway was the car. Feeling like I could keel over and die at any moment I took advantage of the heavy dose of adrenaline running through my veins. Walking as quickly as my legs would allow, I made it to the driver's side of the truck and struggled to unlock the car door with numb hands. Thank goodness for those buttons that unlock the car doors. Mashing my dead finger into the button, the doors unlocked and I jumped inside. The only relief of the car was that it kept the wind out. Thanking God for that alone, I tried for at least 30 long seconds to shove the key into the ignition. Finally managing to accomplish that, I started the car and immediately started stripping off my frozen shoes with numb fingers. Tossing my shoes, I threw off my jacket and spent the next several minutes trying to figure out how I could get the most hot air flowing through the car at one time. Somehow managing to turn on the heaters I suddenly went from whimpering to laughter. My reaction to the situation was even confusing to me. I crawled around the car trying to find the warmest place. When I decided that the driver's seat was the best place, I sat back for a moment and looked down at my feet. To my utter surprise, they were turning black. Without hesitation I lifted them to the dashboard heaters and started rubbing them vigorously, praying that my feet wouldn't get frost bite and have to amputated. As one foot slowly regained color and blood circulation I noticed that my hands had also started turning black. "Awesome," I thought to myself sarcastically, "No feet and no hands." Taking a moment from my feet I rubbed the backs of my hands. I have no idea how long it took to get color back in my left foot, but it seemed like an eternity. When I had sufficiently recovered, my party started returning one by one to the car. I returned to our residence with two hands and two feet. And all I can say is
Thank God
For it is He who allowed me to keep my feet and my hands. It was not by my own doing that my extremities were saved, but by His mercy. Thank you Lord for my hands and feet. Even though I screw up and dissapoint You, You never take revenge on me. You continue to take mercy on me and perform big and small miracles for me. Why do I slip in and out of this understanding when it is so plain to see? You love me. Simple as that. And because You do, I have hands and feet. ?
There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said. None of the things in my heart could manifest themselves in words. All I see when I close my eyes is You and the image is never the same. You are unchanging, but everyday I learn something new about You and I wonder how it is that I doubt You sometimes. I want to get down on my knees, look up to the sky everyday and ask "What can I do for You today, Lord? What do You want for me to do?" And though there are many things that seem to get in the way, I can always make time for You.
Just today, the Lord spared my hands and feet. Yeah, it sounds strange. But just listen. Today at the Hot Springs I wouldn't go into the water because I didn't have a bathing suit so I started walking around in the marshes near the spring. At this point in time it was really windy and it was snowing mildly. So, contrary to all reasonable logic, I went to play in the soggy marshes. Of course, when I came back, my feet were wet and cold. At first it wasn't so bad, but gradually the weather got worse and it started snowing harder. I sat on the wooden walkway rocking back and forth with Sandstorm blasting in my headphones, eyes closed, trying not to focus on how cold my feet were. Eventually I couldn't keep the cold out of my mind any longer so I took off my shoes and stuck my feet in the hot spring, trying desperately to regain some feeling in my feet. Of course my parents came over and began looking at my feet. Both my mom and step dad gasped and started telling me that it was bad that my feet were completely white. Holding my feet and pouring water on them, the my parents 'nursed' my feet back to a state good enough for walking and then forced me back to the car so I could warm up. In trying to get the keys out of my mom's vest pocket I lost all the warmth in my hands as well and could barely unzip the pocket. Keys and wet socks in hand, I began running back to the car with my unlaced, frozen Converse sneakers. As I started the long trek back to the car my body surged with adrenaline. "I might actually have to get my feet or hands amputated," I thought to myself suddenly. I was so full of adrenaline I had barely noticed that I had run out of breath and my hands felt non-existent. In a last-ditch effort to save my hands I stuck them in my mouth one at a time and let my heavy, warm breath envelope them. Slowly feeling came back to both my hands and I looked up into the blizzard. Just around the last bend in the walkway was the car. Feeling like I could keel over and die at any moment I took advantage of the heavy dose of adrenaline running through my veins. Walking as quickly as my legs would allow, I made it to the driver's side of the truck and struggled to unlock the car door with numb hands. Thank goodness for those buttons that unlock the car doors. Mashing my dead finger into the button, the doors unlocked and I jumped inside. The only relief of the car was that it kept the wind out. Thanking God for that alone, I tried for at least 30 long seconds to shove the key into the ignition. Finally managing to accomplish that, I started the car and immediately started stripping off my frozen shoes with numb fingers. Tossing my shoes, I threw off my jacket and spent the next several minutes trying to figure out how I could get the most hot air flowing through the car at one time. Somehow managing to turn on the heaters I suddenly went from whimpering to laughter. My reaction to the situation was even confusing to me. I crawled around the car trying to find the warmest place. When I decided that the driver's seat was the best place, I sat back for a moment and looked down at my feet. To my utter surprise, they were turning black. Without hesitation I lifted them to the dashboard heaters and started rubbing them vigorously, praying that my feet wouldn't get frost bite and have to amputated. As one foot slowly regained color and blood circulation I noticed that my hands had also started turning black. "Awesome," I thought to myself sarcastically, "No feet and no hands." Taking a moment from my feet I rubbed the backs of my hands. I have no idea how long it took to get color back in my left foot, but it seemed like an eternity. When I had sufficiently recovered, my party started returning one by one to the car. I returned to our residence with two hands and two feet. And all I can say is
Thank God
For it is He who allowed me to keep my feet and my hands. It was not by my own doing that my extremities were saved, but by His mercy. Thank you Lord for my hands and feet. Even though I screw up and dissapoint You, You never take revenge on me. You continue to take mercy on me and perform big and small miracles for me. Why do I slip in and out of this understanding when it is so plain to see? You love me. Simple as that. And because You do, I have hands and feet. ?
February 17, 2007 - I'll Hold You To Your Word
I'll hold you to your word
When this life falls to pieces
And I look around and see that
Nothing is what it used to be
And I'll hold you to your word
When friends turn to enemies
And things I thought were good
Turn out not to be
I'll hold you to your word
When disappointment overwhelms me
And change seeps through the cracks in my fingers
Even though I shield my eyes
Press my head into my hands
Like a child trying to conceal a tear-stained face
Like someone shielding their eyes from a light that's much too bright
But somehow,
Somehow it always seems to find its way through my fingers
Pushed so tightly together.
And though I resist, the light finds its way to my retina
Sooner or later I have to acknowledge that its daylight
And I'll open my eyes
Blinded by the sudden light, I see nothing
But somehow its better than when my hands were over my eyes
Because when I look up again
I see you
And I know I can hold you to your word.
February 3, 2007 - Its A Commonly Known Fact That...
Rita is a restricted area. Authorised Personel Only.
December 29, 2006 - It Was Pretty Sweet...
I just picked up my coffee cup (which was not full of coffee, in case you wondering) and had this strange feeling it was upside down. And then I remembered there was still stuff in it so that would be impossible...but it was pretty cool for the half a second it lasted...
December 28, 2006 - I Be
...Burnin' the candle at both ends.
Its part of the Heavy Metalist lifestyle whether or not you're in a band. Sleep doesn't come easy and time comes in large quantities because in between concerts you have nothing better to do than find new and heavier bands to get into and sit around in your favorite band tees eating chips...or something to that effect. More specifically, I'm talking about the Christian Heavy Metalist which is another breed entirely than the average Heavy Metalist. Heavy Metalists would probably spend their time in between concerts drinking beer on the couch AND eating chips...as opposed to just eating chips and staring at the cieling thinking about the irony of the fact that Heavy Metal bands tend to have the best lyrics but you can't understand them. Christian Heavy Metalists are a much cleaner subculture of the Heavy Metal genre than most others simply because of the fact they have morals and the bands actually keep it clean while still keeping it heavy. And that's not to say there aren't any respectable Heavy Metalists out there that aren't Christian. Or that all Christian Heavy Metalists are clean or have good morals. Back to the point.
I have taken into consideration that it is approximately....2:38 a.m. and i'm rambling about something many people don't really care about, but what's the difference? How many people actually read my blog anyway? Which I happen to post a new blog in just about every five minutes....Hiatus
Christian Heavy Metalists are nothing "special" though. We headbang, use metal-horns, and mosh just like every other Metalist out there. The difference is simply lyrics, personal morals, and behavior. As mentioned briefly earlier, Christian Heavy Metalists wouldn't get drunk or high at their band's concert and wouldn't be cursing their tounges out when you saw them going crazy between songs. Heavy Metalists and Christian Heavy Metalists can get along well together despite their minor differences. Which is good. Because Metal is good.
I pretty much lost my train of thought after the first paragraph, so if you kept reading past that, you've wasted a whole heck of a lot of your time. At this point, i'm rambling and typing everything that comes to my sleep deprived mind. I can't wait till I read this later today. I already know that my first thoughts will be, "What kind of crack was I on?" But too bad. I'm not forcing anyone to read my crap.
Rock On Fellow Heavy Metalists,
Out *thud*
December 28, 2006 - The Epigone-Becoming The Archetype (In Case You Were Wondering What The Heck My Song Is Saying)
The Epigone
Becoming The Archetype
There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said
I'm just repeating myself repeating someone else
Equally incapable of uttering a single new thought
Yet you are ever worthy of adoration
So how can I for a moment cease to lift my heart in praise?
Your name is glory
My song is victory
And I will keep on singing
There is no oppostion
No thing can stand in your way
Make my life your own
December 25, 2006 - Words
The words I live by,
Are not the same as yours.
The words I live by,
Set hearts ablaze,
Spark rebellions,
And compel compassion.
The words I live by,
Are the only thing that keeps me strong.
The words I live by,
Don't fade away,
Like some book your read a few years back,
Then stuck up on the shelf.
The words I live by,
Come from men compelled by something greater than imagination.
The words I live by came from the men of faith,
The men of times long past.
The words I live by,
May have been written during the times of the Living God,
But look how they live today,
As relevant as they were 2,000 years ago.
The words I live by,
Are strong in me,
And not even the devil himself can do anything to lead me away.
For the One I live for,
Is the God Almighty.
Are not the same as yours.
The words I live by,
Set hearts ablaze,
Spark rebellions,
And compel compassion.
The words I live by,
Are the only thing that keeps me strong.
The words I live by,
Don't fade away,
Like some book your read a few years back,
Then stuck up on the shelf.
The words I live by,
Come from men compelled by something greater than imagination.
The words I live by came from the men of faith,
The men of times long past.
The words I live by,
May have been written during the times of the Living God,
But look how they live today,
As relevant as they were 2,000 years ago.
The words I live by,
Are strong in me,
And not even the devil himself can do anything to lead me away.
For the One I live for,
Is the God Almighty.
December 20, 2006 - Essence
Essence
by Extol
Here we go again
Feeling so small inside
I could implode
Humiliated
By my own ways of weakness
Wash me white as snow
Let me start again
Oh, let your warm breeze blow away all this filth in my soul
Reaching out my hands
Letting it out before my head explodes
Then liberated
Restoration through forgiveness
Wash me white as snow
Let me start again
Oh, let your warm breeze blow away all this filth in my soul
Wash me white as snow
Lift me up again
Oh, let your mercy flow
Give me life so I can live
And so, now I can once again lift my head up high
Shamelessly look into anyone's eyes
Because when I'm weak, then you are strong
Yeah, I will leave condemnation and sin behind
Confidently marching forward with this in mind
You are right when I am wrong
I will not let go, I will not give in
'Cause he told me so: by his love I'll win
AMEN
December 16, 2006 - Don't Even Ask...
The chair bled shadows
As it sat in its corner
Partially obscured by the off white stucco of the doorway
It made sense
After all, why shouldn't it?
Looking back
15
It stood less idle than several seconds before
As if tensed in waiting
Its fibrous muscles contracted and ready to swallow
I sat
My own muscles drawn and tense
21
Dare I look closer?
My mind said peek
But my body said no
Don't let it see you, don't let it see you
25
Don't move
Just sit where you are
If it doesn't see you
You'll be safe
27
No, no
Wrong entirely
It already knows where you are
But you sit still anyway?
You know it tempts you to look closer
To peek around the corner
31
Be strong! Be strong
Resist tempation and sit tight till He arrives
34
He'll give you strength enough to fight it off
So sit tight
Sit tight...
December 9, 2006 - Something With Some Amount Of Meaning
Sitting here late at night makes me want to go all emo and start writing sad poetry, but nay! I will refrain and do something better (?) with my time.
I want to write something...something fictional, but something good. Something that isn't crap like most of the other stuff that comes out of my head onto paper. Something worth your time and mine. Something I can be proud of and not throw away. Something original. But isn't that what every writer wants? To create something original? In my opinion, ninetyfive percent of all good, original ideas have been used. But perhaps that's just my imagination stagnating on me.
There are many times I've tried to come up with a story all my own with characters so real I can see them appearing at my doorstep, but they always seem to die. My imagination stops and doesn't want to carry them any further. I'd much rather think about them and invision their lives instead of trying to draw them or write about them. Its so hard when the ideas are so exact. Iris, where are you? You were my pillar of strength for a while and then you left. Or did I leave you? I can't remember, but I'll take the blame. My imagination abandoned you for the real world, but now, in this late hour of the night, you've come knocking at the door of my imagination, sneaking in through the window and whispering in my ear.
I want to ask you how you've been, what you've been up to, where you've gone and who you've met. I want to know what battles you've fought, what new things you've seen. I want to know everything about where you've been while I was away and I put you out of my head. I know you were still wandering around without me there. What happened? Fill me in, Iris, fill me in.
You've seen dragons and cities and people of races you didn't know existed. You've been anywhere and everywhere for short visits and long ones, treks through mountain passes and grasslands alike, cliff overlooking the sea and sweaty jungles. Where was I when you were away? I was in the real world, living day to day in my square mile box while my imagination died and you explored galaxies. I should have been with you. No doubt my Lord would have been right there with us, because He knows we both love Him, and I do not regret the nights I spent with Him, but where were you when my mind was dissatisfied and I my fingers would not write? Together we should have visited worlds unknown and common places, people with blue skin and people with antlers, crafters and drones. We should have expanded our minds together, but while you travelled and grew, my mind closed and atrophied. I lived in a cubicle. You saw dragons and cities and strange little things, things you never would have dreamt of seeing in a thousand years.
I envy you for your endeavors, yet you are simply an extension of my own mind grown into a shape of your own. You wander the world for me while I sit and and tell of your adventures. Bring me back a souvenir, okay? Bring me back a piece of me, a piece that I can hold on to and keep in my hands held against my chest. Keep it and never give it up, clasp it tightly in my fist, but careful not to crush it. And though every second it wants to escape, threatening to lose itself in the world's unknown, I keep it protectively, controllingly locked inside my palm for me to know of and no one to see. Bring it back for me.
My colors faded when the light shone endlessly upon me, but my Lord brought me shade. He shielded my eyes from the glaring sun and put his finger upon my back. His touch livened my colors and they shot forth like springs from the earth, reaching out in every direction, latching on and pulling me towards my destinations. Though my strings remain ever attatched to my Lord's gentle hand, my own colorful strings lead me where I need to go. Take me across this parched earth where I kneel, hungry and thirsty, lips cracked and skin burnt, take me to your shelter and your shade, your sustainence and your water, where I may restore my strength and gain my mind. For you brought me to nothing and will bring me back up. Fear not, I said unto my knees, as I sat with forehead pressed against the barren soil, for my Lord will place His knuckle beneath my chin and lift me up once more. Keep going, He's told me, Keep heading across this place where it hurts to walk and it pains you to lift your foot just one step further. Where your lungs burn from exhaustion and the sun burns your flesh. Where your throat cannot swallow and your back is giving way, your ribcage collapses and your eyes have gone blind. Fear not, for I am with you in your darkest hour and will guide you to the light. When His strings take hold of me and I am done, he moves me one step further with a gentle nudge and tells me not to fear. I trust in Him and when I have nothing he reaches out to me and cups me in his hands. Take hold of me and don't let me go. Even when my eyes have turned from you and the left looks more appealing than what you have offered, turn my head forward again. Cup your hands around my head and give me horse blinds. I don't want to look, yet I do. I want you and reach up to you, but my reach is too short. Your face lies right in front of me but it is just out of reach. And sometimes it is a longer reach than other times, but that does not lessen my need to reach you. Let me reach you, and when I do, accept me with arms wide open. But only if I do the same for you. For you should treat me as I have treated you. And when the time comes, I want a complete embrace, not a hand shake.
October 19, 2006 - Yet Another Revelation
The other day I was feeling very disconnected from God and from my spirituality, like I was missing something. I had been doing quiet times, like the mighty JJW had suggested, and I was feeling better, but not quite as good as I had been feeling. So I started thinking...and had yet another amazing revelation. The concept of blind faith has been floating around in my head ever since I heard Val talking about it at Sunday Morning Bible Study and I realized that I really just have to believe. All the doubts that I allow myself to have are screwing me up. I can't let them do that anymore. Now that I've realized that I simply have to believe whether or not I know all the answers, I've been doing a lot better. God is wonderful and mysterious. He always has his ways of bringing me closer to Him and helping me figure things out on my own.
Thank You Lord
October 13, 2006 - When Life Gets Confusing
I turn to God. No matter how many times I screw up, get lost, or make the wrong decision, He's always there for me. I know He's listening when no one else will, He's reaching out to me when no one else will, helping me to stand again when no one else will. That's why I am His and only His for eternity.
October 2, 2006 - How will YOU be classified in the dictionary?
Rita VanBriesen -- [noun]: A person with a sixth sense for detecting the presence of goblins 'How">http://www.quizgalaxy.com/quiz.php?id=83">'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at http://www.quizgalaxy.com" style="color: #FF0000;">QuizGalaxy.com |
September 29, 2006 - A LESSON ON FORGIVENESS
"And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors."
-Matthew 6:12
"For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, whereas if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
-Matthew 6:14-15
"You hears that it was said 'You must love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' However, I say to you: Continue to love your enemy and to pray for those persecuting you."
-Matthew 5:43-44
September 3, 2006 - Screw All That Negative Stuff...
I've had a revelation...All that stuff I said in my other blogs, the poems about life being horrible and the complaining, I've come to realize that I was being stupid. I've found myself in God again and renewed my faith. My life is back in order more or less. Tonight I get to go to Spoken at my church, on tuesday I get to go to youth group and everything is wonderful now that I renewed myself in God. He's given me strength to continue and he's helped with so many things in my life throughout the 14 years I've been here, so I'm going to return the favor by doing all I can with the life he has given me. Thank you Lord for your endless support and love in times I lacked faith in the world. Endless praise to you and your love. Thank you.
August 7, 2006 - For some strange reason...
For some strange reason, I'm feeling the need to write a blog. There is nothing that I really need to write about, but my brain just keeps telling me to write one; like I need to vent or something.
Let's see. I'm in Nebraska right now visiting with my cousins and basically all the relatives on my dad's side of the family who are all extremely cool people. Even my grandparents are cool people. I brought my airsoft gun with me, but I haven't gotten to use it yet because I haven't bought the green gas yet. I'm such a procrastinator. I didn't eat breakfast this morning.
The night before last, it was raining in Nebraska and they always have the best rain storms and its impossible for me to be around rain and not want to go out and play in it, so I went outside and started walking around. For some reason when its dark and its raining, I feel like I can go anywhere and do anything and I'm not scared of it at all. Anyway, I started wandering around and eventually made it to the main road. I was standing next to the traffic light when all of a sudden it shorted out. About half a second later, there was this really bright flash and a crack of thunder right over my head. It scared the crap out of me and proved to me, once more, God's might. It was amazing, but you couldn't understand unless you had been there. Suffice to say, that's the closest I've ever been to lightning and it was pretty frickin' cool and pretty frickin' scary.
Tomorrow my dad is getting here and I'm looking forward to that, because as much fun as i've been having, I think that its just not the same without him. We're supposed to go out to the lake where my uncle lives and I'll get to see his two little boys and his wife (my aunt) Michelle. They have this really cool little pond that magically produces frogs at twilight. Hehe, its really cool because frogs are cool.
I rediscovered metalandmagic today. The artist does really random and cute things and I couldn't find some of her work on the website and it kind of pissed me off because I like her stuff.
I can't stop thinking about the person that I've liked for over a year now, too. There are some people who know who it is, and some people who don't. If you don't know, don't expect me to tell you...unless of course you don't live near me. Then I'll tell you. Because you won't know who the hell i'm talking about. But still, its the one person who I pretty much have no chance with because he's just as anti-social as me, but I can't stop liking him. I've never really made any attempts to talk to him or hang out with him because I know that it would be really awkward...don't even try to tell that it wouldn't be because if you know him, then you would know why. End of story...
Yeah, well, I feel sufficiently vented now. I don't care if anyone ever reads this, but it feels good to do every once in a while.
P.S. Roleplaying is really fun if you have lots of imagination...let's not even get started on that subject because that could go on forever.
August 4, 2006 - Screw the 80's! The 90's were AWESOME!!!!
IF YOU GREW UP IN THE 90'S U GOTTA READ THIS
Anybody under the age of 13 should not read this, and if you do, you should not repost this. Just because you were born in '97 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid. It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons. I am sorry but three conscious years of the 90's just wont cut it.
You're a 90's kid if:
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"
You just cant resist finishing this... "Iiiiiiin west philladelphia born and raised..."
You remember TGIF on ABC. Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World.
"Miss Susie had a steam boat, the steam boat had a bell ding ding..miss suzie went to heaven the steamboat went to hell_o operator give me number 9 and if you disnconnect me i'll kick you from behind the fridgerator, there was a piece of glass, miss suzie sat upon it and broke her little ass_k me no more questions, tell me no more lies the boys are in the bathroom zipping up their flies, are in the city the bees are in the park .......................... miss suzie and her boyfriend are kissing in the D-A-R-K- D-A-R-K D-A-R-K dark dark dar dar da dark"
You remember when Kurt Cobain, 2Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.
You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You remember reading "Goosebumps"
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
You danced to "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls
Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er.
You remember the craze, then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...
You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record "Your FAVORITE song of ALL time"
Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.
Captain Planet.
You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together.
When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who............and still all ended up being Tommy.
You remember when super nintendo's became popular.
You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos... but never taped anything funny.
You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"
"I've fallen and I can't get up"
When you have played and beaten mario brothers/duck hunt.
If you ever watch cheers.
You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates
If you remeber when every thing was "da BOMB"
When they made the new lunchables so that you could make tacos and pizza!!
You wore socks over leggings scrunched down
"Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back" SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS PHANTS PHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCE he jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didnt come back back back til the forth of july ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stubbed his toe toe toe and thats the end end end of the elephants show show show
You remember boom boxes vs. cd players
Writing M.A.S.H. notes. (and the twenty different versions of that)
Making those little fortune cookie things.. and then predicting your life with them.
You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool
You Were Obsessed with either 'Nsync or Backstreet Boys. But never NEVER both...
You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"
You played and/or collected "Pogs"
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere
You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.
You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles.
Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!
All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)
You remember when the new Beanie Babies and talking Elmo were always sold out.
You collected those Beanie Babies.
You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.
You remember a time before the WB.
You owned a portable tape player.
If you even know what an original walkman is.
You remember Barbie's Kitchen Littles, and remember when everything she owned was pink and made of cheapo plastic
You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" ... enough said
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"
You know the significance of the number 23.
You went to McD's to play in the playplace.
You remember playing on merry go rounds...at the play ground.
You remember dreaming to be on a Nickelodeon game show: Double Dare, Nick Arcade, GUTS, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Fun House, Figure It Out... You all know you watched Hey Dude, and Salute Your Shorts... Remember and You Cant Do That On Television where getting slimed first started!
Do You Love Orange Soda? Kel Loves Orange Soda.. Yes I doo I doo I doooo00000000000
When we were younger:
Before the MySpace frenzy... Before the Internet & text messaging... Before Sidekicks & iPods... Before MIKE JONES... Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX... ...Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night. When light up sneakers were cool. When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs. When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing. When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie. When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans. When 2Pac and Biggie where alive. When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever. Way back. when it was all about N64. Before we realized all this would eventually disappear
Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!
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