October 6, 2008 - The Not So Important Ramblings of a Deranged Mind...

As I have stated many times before, there is something about the hours after eleven and before dawn that stimulate weird, philosophical thoughts...

Here I am, once again, sitting in front of the computer. The room is dark and the electric glow from the screen lights my face in harsh shadows. My hands tick endlessly at the keyboard as little black letters appear on the screen, spelling out my thoughts in a tacit, powerful script. Behind my bloodshot, heavy eyes my mind escapes through the back of my head, trailing a net of nerves and cobwebs behind it. This is routine. My mind does this most every night. A trip to the outer reaches of my imagination and the limits of the world beckon my brain out of its little bone chamber, calling it to explore the murky depths of subconscious thought.
As I sit, staring at the steady, bright pixels that form the screen, I waver in and out of cognizance. A mixture of the changing seasons, the absence of my spiritual mind, and sleep deprivation make for a strange contentment. It is odd that I should find my soul so drawn to the comforts of snow while my hands are grafted to this plastic tick-board. The only reason I remain here now is because the rational, programmed part of my being tells me that I can't go out this late at night. I can't go out because my parents would disapprove. I can't go out because I might get raped. I can't go out because its too cold. Under different circumstances, these thoughts would not deter me. But because I am where I am, I stay inside. Only to drag myself back upstairs momentarily and fall into a pile of springs and sheets.
The heater sighs to life behind me and creates the white noise that we are so fond of. The fear of silence is inherent and almost genetic. Humans have made themselves so backwards. Silence is wiser and more exposing than Noise, yet humans prefer the lesser of the two.

What do you mean 'you understand'? You don't understand...you speak about the same things as everyone else and you use your tongue like it was a flag. Wave it in the wind so everyone will see, fly those colors nice and high. Pretend all you like that your understanding is mine, but I won't be the one to expose you. Soon your flag will become threadbare, tattered, and worn and you'll expose yourself, you falsities escaping through the holes like water through a crack. Good luck clogging that dam. Your mouth is the overflow of your heart, and your dam is breaking. That heart is full of sewage and waste, its acrid bite has finally bitten its way through your ineffective layers of duality and niceties.

Good luck clogging that dam.