October 17, 2008 - Uuuuuuuurgh...

I don't think there is a better word to describe the way I feel right now. Uuuuuuurgh seems to say it all.
I feel so empty...like a soulless sack of meat and bones. And since my soul is the real me, without it I feel...mechanical. I'm just pissed off and sad and morose and beat down and hopeless and speechless. I don't want to speak, I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to stay.
I want to lay on the floor and let my mind crawl out the back door of my head again. I want it to creep out through the window and into the street, out into the black night where everything is safe and so much better.
I want to walk out this door, bare feet and all, leave and go and not have to worry. I find it strange humans actually believe that by physically traveling, we can leave our worries behind. You'd think that by now, we would have realized that this NEVER works. Our heads come with us everywhere. Everywhere. We just end up taking our worries somewhere else where there are more and less familiar distractions...
I'm sitting up straight on this wooden stool, my hands cold and wrinkled from the residual moisture in my fingers. The shower felt good, but almost made things worse. It made my feelings of emptiness and loneliness more apparent and even more devastating.
All the people I know don't like me, are sad, or think I'm someone I'm not. Why can't I just be? I want to just be...I want to be talked to like a person. I want to be talked to like I am. I want to just sit down next to someone and suddenly be friends.
I am tired of the dramatic friendships that exist in high school. You have to be loud and obnoxious and stupid in order to really look like you're friends. Why can't we just talk? Why do I have to look like I'm having the best time ever playing patty cake when its something I normally wouldn't do? Why am I accused of things I'm not even consciously doing?
If I'm doing something you don't like, TELL ME. Its the best thing you could do for me...